Late Nite Thoughts

So, I'm sitting here (yes, still awake), and slightly calmer than earlier (technically yesterday's post...that is of course assuming that google has my time zone registered somewhere (which it probably does). I'm not quite sure what cause me to vent my little vent earlier, but at least now my head is a little clearer. I still don't like the idea of being fucked around and then ignored, but I can't let it overtake my life. Being sick and stuck in the house for the last week or so hasn't helped. When I was awake I did nothing but stream media and play internet games. Mind you, I didn't have a whole lot of energy, nor a voice for a couple of days. And, we cannot forget the phlegm funnel. Meh, enough of that. Still sick and still kinda bummed. Perhaps that's to be expected in the wee hours, when one has a pounding headache and chest congestion.

Whynotgetbent?

Once upon a time, there was a musician who like to get bent. This musician got so bent then he lost his mind. He made stupid decisions, as was a common theme in his life, to put his own everything ahead of that of others. And yes, this applies to virtually every aspect of life. Should I go out? Hrmmm. Where would I go? Who would I get the bentest with? Yes, that is who I will hang out with (and by hang out, I mean get high as a motherfucking kite and sit on someone's couch until someone is willing to cart the bentest of all, to wherever the bentest will be most satified next. And, by most satisfied next, I actually me where the bentest get get the most out of each person visited (generally, who's got the goods...cause it sure as heel isn't this guy.)

The bent one, who has never been straight a day in his long and uneventful (yet incredibly high life), and chooses to bring others into the vortex of insanity. Guaranteed, within 2.5 years (as an absolute maximum), the bent one will burn bridges with other bendees. But the thing about bendees, they get so bent out of shape....they forget things. Like the bentest one of all is a using motherfucker who ignores people for no reason - other than the bentest has better options Translation: Somebody wants to get high(er). Maybe the bentest - who I should add, is a TOTAL ASSHOLE really has things figured out.

Get bent that's fine...but for the love of God man, leave me out of it. You crazy bastard.

Vacation Smacation

So...it's that time again. At least I started it off with a bang this time - and not by spending the weekend with the folks...not that it's a bad thing to hang out with the rents, it just seems a little pathetic. Meh. Anyhoo...I went to a house party and then downtown with the boys.

I did learn some things this weekend. I'd like to say they were interesting things....and I guess they kinda were interesting things...but it just proves to me that what Dr. House says is right: "Everybody lies". So, I've recently learned that two people I was previously pissed off with, and took a long time to get over lies and deceit...have continued to both lie and be deceitful. Why would someone go as far as to admit they had hooked up with someone, and yet deny the actual act of sex. So, I'm trying to sort that out.

I think I'm done being vague. I might just expel my whole life story now. People should be aware of the shitty people that exist in the world. A lot of the time, I recognize when I'm a shitty person, and I feel bad about it. Some people are just dirty fuckers, totally unaware of the effect their actions have on others. I'm going to talk about some of them.

So, many moons ago (approx 8 years ago), I meet this seemingly nice man while on a drunken excursion downtown. I actually met him through my best friend - they've known each other for years. The word was, dude was a good guy. We'll call him Ben. So, word was Ben was a good guy. So, we went out for a while. Then we moved in together. Things became tense, awkward and just plain uncomfortable. He wanted to move out. He thought we could still be together and just not live together at that particular point in our lives. I was upset and stated that if he wasn't willing to continue to try to make it work - us living apart wasn't going to make it any better. I told him that if he left, it was over for good....because I felt like I was being abandoned by him. How do you pretend to be happy when you're not? So...for the next four days, we continued to live together - not talking. He was afraid to tell his parents. Anyways, once the four days were up, I told him that I had reconsidered what he had to say, and that we could trying still being together, and just not living together. By the time the four days were up, I was told "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And, that was the end of our relationship....at least in that capacity.

As we had been together for a long time, we ended up merging friend groups...so that we, for the most part, had one group of communal friends. I tried to socialize with different people. I started drinking and going to karaoke with some friends from work....sadly, more often than one should experience karaoke. Anyhoo...we tried to maintain our friendship...which got tangly while drinking, because on more than one occasion, we did the whole "friends with benefits" thing for a while. Again, with the understanding that the relationship was over...and it was just a sex thing.

A few months later, I ended up hooking up with someone else, and went out with him for about three years. We'll call him Don. Anyways, my relationship with Don was a roller-coaster of ups and downs (and just so happens to be the one that's been fucking with me since January of this year, when his relationship ended). When my relationship with Don ended, I was a complete and utter basketcase. I was spending more time with the old friend group, including Ben. I really didn't have any interest in people after Don for about 2 years. I guess I just kind of hoped that he would change his mind and come back to me. Well, that worked out wonderfully for him, and just fucked me up all together again. But that's a side tangent for another day. After Don, I went out with a few people (for short periods of time)...as people just can't seem to keep my interest. I did however become interested in one of my and Ben's friends. Me and the new interest (we'll call him PJ) discussed (in a drunken stuper I should add) my interest in him. He told me that he too was interested, but was not going down that path because of my past with Ben. At this point, I should further explain, that unknown to me at the time, I took Ben's virginity. Ben apparently still has a "thing" for me, as some of the mutual friends have advised me. So, it just wasn't going to happen. That night, when we left downtown, I lost my keys and ended up crashing at PJ's. Nothing sexual happened, although the signals were out there.

Shortly thereafter, I went to a house party with another mutual friend, Gene. I told Gene, as I thought we had this mutual understanding about privacy - especially after stating "this is between me and you", about my conversation with PJ, and that I ended up crashing at PJ's, and that nothing had happened. First thing I've learned from this experience, it's probably not the best idea to tell private stories to people who are drunk. They only remember bits and pieces, but funny enough they remember the part that the story is not supposed to be repeated. Anyways, Gene happened to tell Ben about me being interested in PJ and that I crashed at PJ's house. He neglected to remember the fact that nothing happened. How he could forget that part is beyond me, when half our conversation was about the mixed signals.

So, I have a coffee with Ben. As soon as I get in the car, I can tell there's something wrong. I immediately ask "what's wrong?" and get "nothing" muttered at me in response. This small series of conversation repeats itself for the duration of the coffee run (about thirty-five minutes), until I'm half-way out the car. Then it starts. The annoyingness that had been building exploded upon me. I got accused of sleeping with PJ. Nothing happened. Ben then forbid me to become involved with PJ. FORBIDDEN??? Ahhh, tempt me more, please.

Anyways, it had already been determined that nothing was going to happen between me and PJ, regardless as to what Ben approves of. PJ didn't want shit from Ben and that was that. So, a while later, I start hanging out with a girl from work, we'll call her Sam. Time for a bit of Sam background. Sam has a common-law partner, a couple of kids and a house. She seemed fun, so I started inviting her out with us on the weekend. Well, one night, Sam wanted to go downtown to dance. I was too tired. She was supposed to be meeting up with some guy from her past. She ended up not meeting him at all, and instead hooked up with Ben and a couple of the guys. They proceeded to get shit-faced and apparently Sam and Ben hooked-up (but apparently did not have sex). I only found out by accident. I went to work on Monday and asked Sam how her weekend was and she let it spill. She thought Ben had told me, so, out it all came. I guess I had a look of surprise on my face, and she realized what she had said. I laughed. Sam was aware of my interest in PJ and that I was forbidden to do anything with him. Meanwhile, Ben can screw around with Sam - who was not single. You can screw my friends but I can't screw yours. You can wreck (or at least facilitate the wreckage of) a home. I can watch. I think it's funny that Sam was aware of the whole situation as well.

So, I was frustrated with Ben for the double-standard. That's just shitty. I gave him ample opportunity to be the one to tell me. Actually, I gave him a month. I even told Sam that she had the opportunity to tell Ben that she had spilled the beans. Apparently she did not. Apparently she instead took the opportunity to fuck him several times. Now, I wasn't aware that the fooling around had continued, nor that it had proceeded to sex. Otherwise, I would not have agreed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding to her common-law partner. That's right somewhere in the middle of screwing Ben, she got engaged! Lucky her. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially since the shitshow she pulled last month. A group of us got drunk, at this annual party and we headed to the bars. I was too much of a state and headed home, only to miss Sam screaming "I want to fuck Ben and I don't care who knows!" I should have mentioned that her fiancé was just inside. But, I also learned this weekend that her plan is to call the wedding off and end things. We'll see what happens. I don't think I really care.

So...now to figure out, why Ben lied. I don't think I even care to bring it up to him. I just don't think I care to think about it at all. I just have to stop introducing people to other people. It's just bad news. I introduced Sam and Ben. Ick. I'm totally disgusted.

And Don makes me both sad and frustrated now. I get text messages of a sexually explicit nature for two months. We hang out for a few months - then nothing. Worse than nothing, I'm actually being ignored. And, I just want to know why. If he's found a better option (which is what I'm expecting), I wish he would just say it, and let me move on. I don't want a message from him a year and doing this whole thing over again.

I'm starting to get scared that I'm turning into Teresa - my old roommate. She was my age (now) when I met her. She desperately wanted to get married and have babies, as her internal clock was ticking. Yet, she barely left the house. She went to work and she went home. She smoked and drank coffee. Sadly, that is starting to resemble my life. I'm not feeling the internal clock thing too much yet. But, I would like the idea of expanding my activities. I'd like to meet new people. But, how?

I don't trust people, which makes me more and more hesitant to take the risk on people. Woe is me.

A fool I am, yet again.

So, now it's official....I've been made a fool of, by a boy, yet again. Worse still, I have allowed the same boy to make that fool. I should have known better. I think I did. I tried to prepare myself for it, but who can be prepared for having their feelings hurt by someone? Maybe I'm too soft.

So, as this is a public forum, I'm trying to remain anonymous. No one will probably ever read this crap anyways. If someone is reading this, leave me a message. Please, I need more people to advise me of what a pathetic failure I have become. Stuck in a rut. Maybe it's the pot. Apparently, it's a depressant. But, what does one do when one doesn't smoke? I've forgotten that life completely. Instead I smoke and ponder my mediocrity.

I wouldn't say that my biological clock is ticking, but it has been something I've been thinking of (not necessarily for the immediate future), but I've been thinking all the same. Perhaps it's because the friends are getting married off and having babies and an exponential rate, and I'm still single. Worse than single, I'm single with baggage. Goddamn ex playing games with me. But, I'm not bitter at all :) Really. Convincing aren't I? And further on the concept of having babies, there are very few people that I would be comfortable having a child with. The ones I would are friends - and not necessarily um, what I would consider, an ummmmmm sex-based relationship. Just companionship. And I don't want to be a position where I'm paying anyone else for child support or alimony on the basis that he doesn't feel like working. Maybe this place is just rampant with people who don't have jobs. It can't really be like this everywhere can it? Is laziness an international thing? Is there hope somewhere other than on this shithole of an island? Jesus, I hope so.

Getting back on track....to completing a list of my failures. Knowing me, I'll never finish the damn list. I'm still not finished my degree. We're at 11 years since I started and not finished. Don't get me wrong, I really haven't attended in the last 7 or 8 years....but even back then I can't say I was focused on school. It seems like I know two types of people. Successful job people, and people who work as little as is possible to survive. I'm not really in either group, but I bet you can guess which one I'd like to be in. Instead, I'm seeking permission for readmission and revealing my sordid past to a bunch of strangers...or at least I'm planning on it. But, I've been planning on that for about 6 months now. It's hard to bear your soul to people who may judge you.

Work is work. Plus it's really starting to piss me off. It's just a bad time of year to be working. The general public needs to chill out. I'm looking forward to my vacation. I could use a vacation. I wish I could clear my mind of all the negativity. At least I don't have to go in tomorrow.

I'm tired. I can finish explaining my underachievement another time. Till then, eat me, world!