So, tonight I'm sitting here thinking something a lil different. I'm not thinking about any person...but, I am still pensive. This time I find myself wondering what in the name of the sweet baby Jesus my cats are doing when I'm at work. I know I haven't exactly kept on top of things as of late, but this is a lil ridiculous.
I'm sitting in a room, surrounded by beverage containers - wondering how they have not yet died of caffeine overdoses. Based on the mounds of laundry that appear in various locations around the house - they also play a lot of dress-up. I don't know if this will be an acceptable excuse for being covered in cat hair at work tomorrow, but I'm gonna try. I was recently given some flowers (oooh, ahhh....not so much, but kinda) and the bastards keep munchin' on 'em. There seems to be tiny pieces of cat litter, everywhere. They haven't done the dishes in weeks - but yet, they seem to eat everyday. With one who constantly licks paper products (tissues, paper, receipts, paper towels etc.) and another who dreams only of making the home messier by tearing apart the birdie who seems to live on the patio, into a million pieces across the house - who needs kids. But...kids do have opposable thumbs, and are more likely convinced to clean in exchange for candy. I need to trae a couple of cats, for a couple of kids....for JUST a couple of hours. Hahaha...pump them full of sugar and return them to their rightful owners.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
It wasn't just another day (to me)
Again, I'm sitting here. Thinking horrible thoughts. When I say horrible, I mean negative. My goal is to be less negative post-vent. One can hope.
Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.
So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?
But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.
I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*
Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!
Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.
So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?
But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.
I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*
Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Just another evening...
It's funny to think about what other people want for us, in us and with us. These concepts perpetually confuse me. A tendency to overanalyze , and the skill to debate the things I have done and the decisions I have made...I can keep myself occupied forever. Probably not an overly healthy mindset, but it's mine.
It's hard enough for me to determine what I want for myself. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up....assuming I make that far. Of course, I will. I'm destined for many years ahead of self-analysis. I'm trying to vent, in a capacity that makes me appear - non-crazy (a lil crazy really doesn't bother me), non-contemptuous and most importantly, non-identifiable. That of course means there are many a vague comment ahead.
On the evening, of yet another day, of yet another year, I sit hear typing. It's again the wee hours of the morning and I'm confused. I'm trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I'm trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm thinking. And, of course whether those two set of thoughts coincide.
When did things become so complicated? Or are they really simpler now? Is simple good? Isn't a little bit of excitement a good thing? Everything in moderation they say. But I guess that's the thing. Moderation is not necessarily a concept that works for everyone. It's difficult for a person like myself, who has a highly addictive personality. It's a great skill, if used for good instead of evil.
I know I really can't know what someone else is thinking. In some instances, I probably don't want to know. Especially considering all the factors involved. I don't want to negatively affect any potentially affected party (and most importantly, I really hope there are no fallout victims here). Christ, I hope. Otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Okay, I've gone all negative.
There are no fallout victims. That's what I was told. I was never told that before. The topic was evaded all together. I suppose that should have been enough to set off the alarms in my head. But, I was....hrmmmm, there are so many words that could be inserted here - niave, stupid, desperate, sad, pathetic and hopelessly in love. Foolish me.
I'm still sort of foolish. I proved that to myself this past weekend. I really did have fun and I'm suprisingly happy that I did. But, I'm very much concerned of being the fallout victim.
So - as opposed to becoming someone new's fallout victim - I find myself experiencing the same things over and over again, each time hoping for a new ending - a happy ending. Fucking fairytales and sitcoms. Nothing gets worked out in a half hour (17-22 mins when we factor in commercials)....except maybe a handjob. How does that help me. I have a vagina.
It's hard enough for me to determine what I want for myself. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up....assuming I make that far. Of course, I will. I'm destined for many years ahead of self-analysis. I'm trying to vent, in a capacity that makes me appear - non-crazy (a lil crazy really doesn't bother me), non-contemptuous and most importantly, non-identifiable. That of course means there are many a vague comment ahead.
On the evening, of yet another day, of yet another year, I sit hear typing. It's again the wee hours of the morning and I'm confused. I'm trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I'm trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm thinking. And, of course whether those two set of thoughts coincide.
When did things become so complicated? Or are they really simpler now? Is simple good? Isn't a little bit of excitement a good thing? Everything in moderation they say. But I guess that's the thing. Moderation is not necessarily a concept that works for everyone. It's difficult for a person like myself, who has a highly addictive personality. It's a great skill, if used for good instead of evil.
I know I really can't know what someone else is thinking. In some instances, I probably don't want to know. Especially considering all the factors involved. I don't want to negatively affect any potentially affected party (and most importantly, I really hope there are no fallout victims here). Christ, I hope. Otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Okay, I've gone all negative.
There are no fallout victims. That's what I was told. I was never told that before. The topic was evaded all together. I suppose that should have been enough to set off the alarms in my head. But, I was....hrmmmm, there are so many words that could be inserted here - niave, stupid, desperate, sad, pathetic and hopelessly in love. Foolish me.
I'm still sort of foolish. I proved that to myself this past weekend. I really did have fun and I'm suprisingly happy that I did. But, I'm very much concerned of being the fallout victim.
So - as opposed to becoming someone new's fallout victim - I find myself experiencing the same things over and over again, each time hoping for a new ending - a happy ending. Fucking fairytales and sitcoms. Nothing gets worked out in a half hour (17-22 mins when we factor in commercials)....except maybe a handjob. How does that help me. I have a vagina.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Winter Boredom
So, it's January 18, 2009 and it's -20 degrees Celsius, which translates to: "It's fucking freezing!" Of course, this simple statement has its own ripple effect (as does almost everything, I've learned.) I have a tendency to bulk-buy on Friday evening to ensure I don't HAVE TO leave my house for anything for the remainder of the weekend. I've elected to not take the 5 minute walk to the grocery store to buy fresh and healthy food (or even a quick and easy microwave dinner) and opted instead to have a $30 pizza delivered, or worse take-out from the greasy haven just 7 doors down. The idea of going downtown and having to smoke outside in the cold deters me from going downtown whatsoever. Fuck that, I can smoke in my house, wear my pyjamas and pretty much pay cost for my drinks (actually....it's usually cheaper than the bars even pay for their alcohol supplies as there's some sort of weird retarded rule that say if you sell alcohol, you have to pay more for it from the liquor stores. Ahhh, more government logic for ya.)
So, what do I do in winter you ask? Well, I put in my 8 hours. I spend probably another 4 hours streaming media (right now I'm on an ER kick and starting watching all the seasons all over again. Currently at Season 7, Episode 7.) I also chain smoke. I drink copious amounts of caffeinated beverages - which I guess means I also spend a significant amount of time pissing. I often find myself talking to myself...and of course, my cats. I facebook...and most recently have started knitting. The goal at the moment is to knit a blanket. It's just so god-awfully time consuming. I doubt I'll ever finish it. That's kinda my thing though. I start things and seldom finish. I'm so damn lazy. Too lazy to type any more right now.
So, what do I do in winter you ask? Well, I put in my 8 hours. I spend probably another 4 hours streaming media (right now I'm on an ER kick and starting watching all the seasons all over again. Currently at Season 7, Episode 7.) I also chain smoke. I drink copious amounts of caffeinated beverages - which I guess means I also spend a significant amount of time pissing. I often find myself talking to myself...and of course, my cats. I facebook...and most recently have started knitting. The goal at the moment is to knit a blanket. It's just so god-awfully time consuming. I doubt I'll ever finish it. That's kinda my thing though. I start things and seldom finish. I'm so damn lazy. Too lazy to type any more right now.
Monday, December 29, 2008
My life as a girl
So, I find myself, as Bridget Jones would say, a spinster. The single life isn't so bad, I suppose. I mean if I require sex, it's really not that hard to come by. But, I guess I'm not looking for meaningless sex. Mind you, I say this as a sober person on a Monday night. Don't get me wrong, I think any day of the week is a great day for sex...with the right person. I'm not being all mushy here and saying that it has to be with someone you love (although, it just might be), but there are "connections". Woah. I sound like a cliché. Maybe I am. But I do find that, as approaching 30, the prospects aren't necessarily all that great. Heading towards the land of divorcées. FANTASTIC. I know I'm not only being horribly skeptical here and maybe even a little melodramatic. But, I'm good at those things. I prefer to use the term "intense". It really is all about how you say it.
So, I find myself living life from period to period...how incredibly boring. I have to say I'm sick of menstruation. There really should be some sort of research done on ways to evolve mankind not to have to bleed monthly, unless one has made an informed decision and opted for reproductive equipment. And, I don't think everyone should be given the option. If someone repeatedly abuses children, they shouldn't be allowed to "care" for them and they damn well shouldn't be able to make more. Just my opinion. But, I too believe in the possibility of rehabilitation (at least for some) so...sterilization (being permanent) may not necessarily be the answer. I really don't have any idea on how to fix the problem...but, it needs to be addressed.
I've learned that musicians and men who are tall, dark and handsome and trouble. The ones who fit both categories are assholes. And apparently I'm an asshole-magnet. As Salt-n-Pepa once said, "I love assholes 'casue everybody's got one..." It's so funny how we are never truly content (or is that just me?) I think about all the relationships that I've been in (at least the serious ones), and I've always hit a point (whether it took a year or three to get there), but seem to hit a lull and get curious about what I'm missing out on. What is the opportunity cost of this relationship? And it's funny, how when you're not available, people are interested in you, even if you're ugly...damn people who make you curious.
I tried meeting someone on the internet. Apparently that was much easier to do as a teenager. Mind you as a teenager, the plan was never really to meet the person, so being honest and bearing your soul was never really an issue - because, if worst case scenario the person ended up being boring or creepy, or if you embarrassed yourself to the point of not wanting to talk to the person again, you didn't have to. The intention of meeting a "someone" online, would be to actually meet them.
Maybe it's just a girl thing, but I feel totally awkward about my body. Well, not so much as awkward as I just don't like it. It's not a matter of having to "work it off" (although that couldn't hurt either) - but it's a matter of scarring (on more than one level). I was a fat kid, plain and simple. Well, not even a fat kid (I was chubby) - but definitely a fat teen/young adult. That is until 22 or 23. Strechmarks don't go away with the weight. I hate taking my shirt off in front of people because of stretchmarks. And guys love it when you take your shirt off (so I hear anyways).
Bah...that's the womanly holiday rant.
So, I find myself living life from period to period...how incredibly boring. I have to say I'm sick of menstruation. There really should be some sort of research done on ways to evolve mankind not to have to bleed monthly, unless one has made an informed decision and opted for reproductive equipment. And, I don't think everyone should be given the option. If someone repeatedly abuses children, they shouldn't be allowed to "care" for them and they damn well shouldn't be able to make more. Just my opinion. But, I too believe in the possibility of rehabilitation (at least for some) so...sterilization (being permanent) may not necessarily be the answer. I really don't have any idea on how to fix the problem...but, it needs to be addressed.
I've learned that musicians and men who are tall, dark and handsome and trouble. The ones who fit both categories are assholes. And apparently I'm an asshole-magnet. As Salt-n-Pepa once said, "I love assholes 'casue everybody's got one..." It's so funny how we are never truly content (or is that just me?) I think about all the relationships that I've been in (at least the serious ones), and I've always hit a point (whether it took a year or three to get there), but seem to hit a lull and get curious about what I'm missing out on. What is the opportunity cost of this relationship? And it's funny, how when you're not available, people are interested in you, even if you're ugly...damn people who make you curious.
I tried meeting someone on the internet. Apparently that was much easier to do as a teenager. Mind you as a teenager, the plan was never really to meet the person, so being honest and bearing your soul was never really an issue - because, if worst case scenario the person ended up being boring or creepy, or if you embarrassed yourself to the point of not wanting to talk to the person again, you didn't have to. The intention of meeting a "someone" online, would be to actually meet them.
Maybe it's just a girl thing, but I feel totally awkward about my body. Well, not so much as awkward as I just don't like it. It's not a matter of having to "work it off" (although that couldn't hurt either) - but it's a matter of scarring (on more than one level). I was a fat kid, plain and simple. Well, not even a fat kid (I was chubby) - but definitely a fat teen/young adult. That is until 22 or 23. Strechmarks don't go away with the weight. I hate taking my shirt off in front of people because of stretchmarks. And guys love it when you take your shirt off (so I hear anyways).
Bah...that's the womanly holiday rant.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Revelations
Here am I, nocturnal as ever. It's early Monday morning and most normal folks are just starting their days. I sit awake (somewhat), thinking. I have learned you can in fact, think too much (at least I can, and do). But perhaps that's what happens post-weekend...you have the opportunity to reflect on recent events (or lack thereof.)
Sadly, I'm finding myself lost in a funk. It's like a go through these periods of time just stumbling from one awkward conversation to the next. It's amazing how we let some relationships deteriorate, and how we continue to interact with numerous others we may not even like. I find that I spend more time surrounded by people that I just don't know. I wonder if I've ever really known anyone. I mean, you think you do. But can you really ever know someone? Thinking back to every single person in your life. If you spent any significant amount of time with that person, there will probably be at least one experience where that person did something totally unexpected - something that shocked the pants off you. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. Maybe I'm just a cynical wanker....well, I'm babbling on about nothing (and unable to vent out my real issue at this time)...so, I'm out.
Boo me.
Sadly, I'm finding myself lost in a funk. It's like a go through these periods of time just stumbling from one awkward conversation to the next. It's amazing how we let some relationships deteriorate, and how we continue to interact with numerous others we may not even like. I find that I spend more time surrounded by people that I just don't know. I wonder if I've ever really known anyone. I mean, you think you do. But can you really ever know someone? Thinking back to every single person in your life. If you spent any significant amount of time with that person, there will probably be at least one experience where that person did something totally unexpected - something that shocked the pants off you. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. Maybe I'm just a cynical wanker....well, I'm babbling on about nothing (and unable to vent out my real issue at this time)...so, I'm out.
Boo me.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I procrastinate, therefore I am
So, once again, it's the wee hours. I'm awake. Wide awake. Sadly, the city appears to be mighty dry as well. Woe is me. Perhaps this will allow me the time to think about all of the productive things I really should be doing now. Ahhhh, procrastination. Think about doing things, instead of doing.
I remember a time when I was a doer. My, how some things change; but, such is life (at least that what some "people" say.) Somehow my life apparently turned wrong. I went from being an overachiever to...well, I guess an underachiever. Most of my friends have finished their degrees and have moved away. Others are in the process. I sit here, currently technically unemployed pondering the potential versions of myself that once existed. I have this inner craving to change, but change is hard (hence the procrastination). I don't even know why I procrastinate. It's not like most of the time I'm doing things that are overly exciting. Although, almost anything beats washing dishes (especially dishes left to fester for long periods of time...like my first batch of gravy, which wasn't edible...and which is still sitting in the roaster in my kitchen for going on a month now...I know it's rotten....I tut tut tut myself all the time.) So, I'm no housekeeper. I'm well aware of that, as was my mother before me. I remember when she used to try to bribe me to clean my room. "If you don't clean your room, you won't get your allowance" she would say. Manipulation was learned early in my house. It's actually a very useful skill.
I do have a job (just not working there at this exact moment), but I wouldn't necessarily say it's a career for me. The pay is great, but the hours aren't (at least most of the time.) It still beats most other jobs (pay-wise anyways). Basically, I get paid the same or more than most of my friends who work more than me. So, I have a lot of free time. Most people would love that. But I guess I'm just stuck in a rut. At least at work, I have to be productive and interact with others. At this junction in my life, I'm not really obliged to do, well, anything. Hell, I've barely left my house in the last three weeks cause I didn't want to go into the cold. Sure I was warm and I watched an awful lot of media, but I didn't really do anything even worth typing in this blog. I didn't really socialize with anyone, at least not for more than an hour at a time. But, things between me and my normal "friends" are not so normal right now anyways...so to hell with social networking anyways. Back to the job. It's just that - a job. Unless I can get moved to another area...it's just plain old filler for now. But, work will pay for me to pursue my education (or at least finish what's left to this damned degree I started)...so, that's my tentative plan. Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I procrastinate myself outta that plan and into the next (either that or I'll be writing to say something stupid like: "So...me staying up in the wee hours of the night to write blogs about procrastination is an effective means of procrastinating. By staying up late, my body refused to wake up at a reasonable time (translation: during business hours) in order to actually submit my application for university. Yay me!"
I remember a time when I was a doer. My, how some things change; but, such is life (at least that what some "people" say.) Somehow my life apparently turned wrong. I went from being an overachiever to...well, I guess an underachiever. Most of my friends have finished their degrees and have moved away. Others are in the process. I sit here, currently technically unemployed pondering the potential versions of myself that once existed. I have this inner craving to change, but change is hard (hence the procrastination). I don't even know why I procrastinate. It's not like most of the time I'm doing things that are overly exciting. Although, almost anything beats washing dishes (especially dishes left to fester for long periods of time...like my first batch of gravy, which wasn't edible...and which is still sitting in the roaster in my kitchen for going on a month now...I know it's rotten....I tut tut tut myself all the time.) So, I'm no housekeeper. I'm well aware of that, as was my mother before me. I remember when she used to try to bribe me to clean my room. "If you don't clean your room, you won't get your allowance" she would say. Manipulation was learned early in my house. It's actually a very useful skill.
I do have a job (just not working there at this exact moment), but I wouldn't necessarily say it's a career for me. The pay is great, but the hours aren't (at least most of the time.) It still beats most other jobs (pay-wise anyways). Basically, I get paid the same or more than most of my friends who work more than me. So, I have a lot of free time. Most people would love that. But I guess I'm just stuck in a rut. At least at work, I have to be productive and interact with others. At this junction in my life, I'm not really obliged to do, well, anything. Hell, I've barely left my house in the last three weeks cause I didn't want to go into the cold. Sure I was warm and I watched an awful lot of media, but I didn't really do anything even worth typing in this blog. I didn't really socialize with anyone, at least not for more than an hour at a time. But, things between me and my normal "friends" are not so normal right now anyways...so to hell with social networking anyways. Back to the job. It's just that - a job. Unless I can get moved to another area...it's just plain old filler for now. But, work will pay for me to pursue my education (or at least finish what's left to this damned degree I started)...so, that's my tentative plan. Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I procrastinate myself outta that plan and into the next (either that or I'll be writing to say something stupid like: "So...me staying up in the wee hours of the night to write blogs about procrastination is an effective means of procrastinating. By staying up late, my body refused to wake up at a reasonable time (translation: during business hours) in order to actually submit my application for university. Yay me!"
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