My life as a girl

So, I find myself, as Bridget Jones would say, a spinster. The single life isn't so bad, I suppose. I mean if I require sex, it's really not that hard to come by. But, I guess I'm not looking for meaningless sex. Mind you, I say this as a sober person on a Monday night. Don't get me wrong, I think any day of the week is a great day for sex...with the right person. I'm not being all mushy here and saying that it has to be with someone you love (although, it just might be), but there are "connections". Woah. I sound like a cliché. Maybe I am. But I do find that, as approaching 30, the prospects aren't necessarily all that great. Heading towards the land of divorcées. FANTASTIC. I know I'm not only being horribly skeptical here and maybe even a little melodramatic. But, I'm good at those things. I prefer to use the term "intense". It really is all about how you say it.

So, I find myself living life from period to period...how incredibly boring. I have to say I'm sick of menstruation. There really should be some sort of research done on ways to evolve mankind not to have to bleed monthly, unless one has made an informed decision and opted for reproductive equipment. And, I don't think everyone should be given the option. If someone repeatedly abuses children, they shouldn't be allowed to "care" for them and they damn well shouldn't be able to make more. Just my opinion. But, I too believe in the possibility of rehabilitation (at least for some) so...sterilization (being permanent) may not necessarily be the answer. I really don't have any idea on how to fix the problem...but, it needs to be addressed.

I've learned that musicians and men who are tall, dark and handsome and trouble. The ones who fit both categories are assholes. And apparently I'm an asshole-magnet. As Salt-n-Pepa once said, "I love assholes 'casue everybody's got one..." It's so funny how we are never truly content (or is that just me?) I think about all the relationships that I've been in (at least the serious ones), and I've always hit a point (whether it took a year or three to get there), but seem to hit a lull and get curious about what I'm missing out on. What is the opportunity cost of this relationship? And it's funny, how when you're not available, people are interested in you, even if you're ugly...damn people who make you curious.

I tried meeting someone on the internet. Apparently that was much easier to do as a teenager. Mind you as a teenager, the plan was never really to meet the person, so being honest and bearing your soul was never really an issue - because, if worst case scenario the person ended up being boring or creepy, or if you embarrassed yourself to the point of not wanting to talk to the person again, you didn't have to. The intention of meeting a "someone" online, would be to actually meet them.

Maybe it's just a girl thing, but I feel totally awkward about my body. Well, not so much as awkward as I just don't like it. It's not a matter of having to "work it off" (although that couldn't hurt either) - but it's a matter of scarring (on more than one level). I was a fat kid, plain and simple. Well, not even a fat kid (I was chubby) - but definitely a fat teen/young adult. That is until 22 or 23. Strechmarks don't go away with the weight. I hate taking my shirt off in front of people because of stretchmarks. And guys love it when you take your shirt off (so I hear anyways).

Bah...that's the womanly holiday rant.

Revelations

Here am I, nocturnal as ever. It's early Monday morning and most normal folks are just starting their days. I sit awake (somewhat), thinking. I have learned you can in fact, think too much (at least I can, and do). But perhaps that's what happens post-weekend...you have the opportunity to reflect on recent events (or lack thereof.)

Sadly, I'm finding myself lost in a funk. It's like a go through these periods of time just stumbling from one awkward conversation to the next. It's amazing how we let some relationships deteriorate, and how we continue to interact with numerous others we may not even like. I find that I spend more time surrounded by people that I just don't know. I wonder if I've ever really known anyone. I mean, you think you do. But can you really ever know someone? Thinking back to every single person in your life. If you spent any significant amount of time with that person, there will probably be at least one experience where that person did something totally unexpected - something that shocked the pants off you. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. Maybe I'm just a cynical wanker....well, I'm babbling on about nothing (and unable to vent out my real issue at this time)...so, I'm out.

Boo me.

I procrastinate, therefore I am

So, once again, it's the wee hours. I'm awake. Wide awake. Sadly, the city appears to be mighty dry as well. Woe is me. Perhaps this will allow me the time to think about all of the productive things I really should be doing now. Ahhhh, procrastination. Think about doing things, instead of doing.

I remember a time when I was a doer. My, how some things change; but, such is life (at least that what some "people" say.) Somehow my life apparently turned wrong. I went from being an overachiever to...well, I guess an underachiever. Most of my friends have finished their degrees and have moved away. Others are in the process. I sit here, currently technically unemployed pondering the potential versions of myself that once existed. I have this inner craving to change, but change is hard (hence the procrastination). I don't even know why I procrastinate. It's not like most of the time I'm doing things that are overly exciting. Although, almost anything beats washing dishes (especially dishes left to fester for long periods of time...like my first batch of gravy, which wasn't edible...and which is still sitting in the roaster in my kitchen for going on a month now...I know it's rotten....I tut tut tut myself all the time.) So, I'm no housekeeper. I'm well aware of that, as was my mother before me. I remember when she used to try to bribe me to clean my room. "If you don't clean your room, you won't get your allowance" she would say. Manipulation was learned early in my house. It's actually a very useful skill.

I do have a job (just not working there at this exact moment), but I wouldn't necessarily say it's a career for me. The pay is great, but the hours aren't (at least most of the time.) It still beats most other jobs (pay-wise anyways). Basically, I get paid the same or more than most of my friends who work more than me. So, I have a lot of free time. Most people would love that. But I guess I'm just stuck in a rut. At least at work, I have to be productive and interact with others. At this junction in my life, I'm not really obliged to do, well, anything. Hell, I've barely left my house in the last three weeks cause I didn't want to go into the cold. Sure I was warm and I watched an awful lot of media, but I didn't really do anything even worth typing in this blog. I didn't really socialize with anyone, at least not for more than an hour at a time. But, things between me and my normal "friends" are not so normal right now anyways...so to hell with social networking anyways. Back to the job. It's just that - a job. Unless I can get moved to another area...it's just plain old filler for now. But, work will pay for me to pursue my education (or at least finish what's left to this damned degree I started)...so, that's my tentative plan. Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I procrastinate myself outta that plan and into the next (either that or I'll be writing to say something stupid like: "So...me staying up in the wee hours of the night to write blogs about procrastination is an effective means of procrastinating. By staying up late, my body refused to wake up at a reasonable time (translation: during business hours) in order to actually submit my application for university. Yay me!"

Opening Credits

So, this is how it all begins. Ahhh, the illusion of one day being able to clearly remember a starting point. Muwahahaha. How funny is that? A start of what exactly? Perhaps it's the start of my being able to once again actually voice my opinions, concerns, comments and queries without being scrutinized by "friends." I would expect that over time, I'll voice my discontentedness, as well as my contentedness with friends, guys, work and money and issues related to those topics. I would expect to regularly see new pet-peeves added. As long as you don't really know who I am personally, I can tell you all my buttons....but you can't so much push 'em. So, whether you're reading this because you're bored in the wee hours of the night, or looking for ways to piss someone off, I hope you enjoy my rants.