Things are starting to look up....of course that could just be my tilted head

I like the concept of karma. What goes around, comes around to a higher level of enlightenment. I don't want to mislead anyone by saying I'm the best person on the face of the planet, and therefore deserve good things....but based on the crap that has ensued over the last while, I think a little bit of balance is certainly in order. And of course, I'm not a total asshole....at least all the time. So, I think karma took pity on me this week, and tried to right some of her previous wrongs.

So, happily, I am securely employed. Yeah! (Or is it now YAY!?) Regardless, you get the idea. I must admit, the concept of a pension puts me a little more at ease. I like the idea of someday sitting back (or puttering around) at my leisure, doing whatever I want, and not being concerned about how the bills are going to get paid. I have my own plans for financial ventures along the way. I've started this already. I'm not as advanced as perhaps I'd like to be; but, considering some of the roads I've taken in this life, I'm kind of amazed I'm this well adjusted now.

Financial venture plan #1: Real estate. Buy properties and keep them maintained. Real estate hardly ever decreases with time. And, if you're located in an urban area (which I am), finding tenants is easy. Tip: If you can buy in a college/university town, even better. I presently live in St. John's, Newfoundland, where there apparently is a huge housing shortage. I've contemplated renting out a room in my apartment for additional income, but I can't be sure I won't hate the potential tenant. I don't hate all people. I'm not a complete jerk. But, I don't want to be in a situation where my stuff gets stolen (not that I have a whole lot of important stuff), or where I'm woken up at 8am on the weekend by someone else's alarm clock, or as petty as it may be, where I'm the only one in the house who cleans up after themselves. Actually, that's not petty. Not petty at all. I've been in situations like these. I also don't want a situation where the person leaves the heat on when not home, or worse with the window open (like the fucking idiots next door do.) I also enjoy walking around in my underwear.

Russian Crack and Poor Grammar Skills

Hey, it's only a little after midnight, and all appears well. Of course, I'm not long up from a lovely five hour nap. I do love naps. I heart them even. It's actually hard to tell whether or not I was sleep deprived, or if I napped as a result of finally locating a nice puff. Goddamn droughts. Regardless, I feel good. Tomorrow, when I'm napless however, might be a different story. Based on what's been available in this city lately, today's puff might as well have been Russian crack. Who knows, maybe Canadian crack would have been just as sufficient. But, there's something about how Russian crack sounds - way more intense than the friendly Canadian kind. But then again, I'm no crack expert. Did that sound racist? Will all the Canadians hate me? meh meh meh.

So, I've been, Jesus I can't think of the right verb to use here, ummmmmmmm....as clichéed as it sounds, surfing the web...mindlessly of course, seeking something remotely interesting to break boredom, and ended up finding someone's blog - with a list of do and don'ts for blogs. Sadly, I read several entries. Sure, there were a couple of good points made. Like bad spelling and poor grammar skills have the ability to make you appear stupid. This is actually something, I've kind of thought about for a while. Lame I know. But alas, it's one of my many character flaws. (I also have a tendency to make ridiculously, politically incorrect comments and throw out saucy one-liners.) Anyhoo, back to looking stupid.

Bad grammar and poor spelling secretly drives me crazy. I'm thinking that I'm blowing it a little out of proportion. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not going to avoid someone for not using the word "epitome" correctly, or spelling "they" as "thay", but it certainly draws my attention. Don't use big words you don't understand, unless you expect to look like an idiot. When communicating electronically, there is virtually no excuse for a spelling mistake with the tools that are available. Google the word, or GOd forbid, get off your lazy ass and pick up a dictionary (or search online, or within your word processing software, or within your search engine). Is everyone lazy? Haha, I say this with a pile of dishes post-nap and absolutely no intention of addressing them this evening. Maybe that's who I need to meet, bad-spellers with clean houses and we can trade tips. I may have just solved the caramel secret folks.

Zippity Do Da

I would normally be inclined to start with something along the lines of "meh", but not so much today. I can't say I'm elated or anything remotely close to it, but at least it's the beginning of a long weekend. Of course, I don't really have any plans for the weekend other than the usual plan for productivity...which usually somehow converts to a cyclic wake-n-bake, nap situation. And, repeat. Happy weekend. But, tomorrow will be different! I will stop procrastinating tomorrow!

I'd like to say I'm not thinking about some unknown asshole musician, but simply that's not true. I'm still hurt by the whole thing, but at least I'm getting a reminder of what the bad times were like. Kinda like this. I think we went for a three month period where we lived together and spoke to each other only once a month. We may, of course yelled or uttered profanities at each other. Meh. Hahaha, the meh just couldn't stay away. Sure, I'm still a little frustrated at myself for allowing myself to be put in such a situation - but what else is new when it comes to that "one". Absolutely nothing! So, at least the potential for such frustration to continue, or God forbid to get worse, is over. So, I guess it's a new beginning. The part that bugs me, is that I didn't get an explanation. You spend three years with someone (through good and very, very, very bad)...to have a relationship end, in a drunken stupor...and then three years later, one contacts the other, anonymously via text through a new number (go, go pay-as-you-go), multiple times a day, asking about that person's sexual past and thoughts on various sexual activities (for months). Then, they hang out several times over a three month period. And poof, the asshole musician cuts everything off. Severed all contact. I tried texting. I tried calling. I emailed. Nothing. Not knowing why is the worst part. Based on our initial relationship, I can't say I had high hopes for a prospective future with him - but he was always the one who said that if for some reason we stopped being together romantically, that he wanted to remain friends. I always said that would never happen. Honestly, I can't really say that I was anticipating maintaining a close friendship either. I'm also not saying I'm owed anything whatsoever (except maybe my youth - lol), but I guess I just expected more. And that's sad. Cause I really don't have high expectations for very many people. I guess I just thought he would approach the situation as cautiously as possible, for both our sakes. I was wrong. I really should do something a little more social this weekend. That way, I will find myself talking and thinking about other things - with better company (at least company that treats me better.)

And of course there are lots of options for the weekend. At this point, I'm way too fucking tired to do anything. Passed on downtown, and passed on poker. Instead, I site here a semi-dedicated (and admittedly a lil baked) blogger, providing nothing but babble - for all the world. Christ, I still ended up blogging almost completely about a subject I was hoping to avoid. Better luck next time for me. It's time to get my circular plan underway now, as opposed to tomorrow...so I can be productive tomorrow. *wink wink*

Late Nite Thoughts

So, I'm sitting here (yes, still awake), and slightly calmer than earlier (technically yesterday's post...that is of course assuming that google has my time zone registered somewhere (which it probably does). I'm not quite sure what cause me to vent my little vent earlier, but at least now my head is a little clearer. I still don't like the idea of being fucked around and then ignored, but I can't let it overtake my life. Being sick and stuck in the house for the last week or so hasn't helped. When I was awake I did nothing but stream media and play internet games. Mind you, I didn't have a whole lot of energy, nor a voice for a couple of days. And, we cannot forget the phlegm funnel. Meh, enough of that. Still sick and still kinda bummed. Perhaps that's to be expected in the wee hours, when one has a pounding headache and chest congestion.

Whynotgetbent?

Once upon a time, there was a musician who like to get bent. This musician got so bent then he lost his mind. He made stupid decisions, as was a common theme in his life, to put his own everything ahead of that of others. And yes, this applies to virtually every aspect of life. Should I go out? Hrmmm. Where would I go? Who would I get the bentest with? Yes, that is who I will hang out with (and by hang out, I mean get high as a motherfucking kite and sit on someone's couch until someone is willing to cart the bentest of all, to wherever the bentest will be most satified next. And, by most satisfied next, I actually me where the bentest get get the most out of each person visited (generally, who's got the goods...cause it sure as heel isn't this guy.)

The bent one, who has never been straight a day in his long and uneventful (yet incredibly high life), and chooses to bring others into the vortex of insanity. Guaranteed, within 2.5 years (as an absolute maximum), the bent one will burn bridges with other bendees. But the thing about bendees, they get so bent out of shape....they forget things. Like the bentest one of all is a using motherfucker who ignores people for no reason - other than the bentest has better options Translation: Somebody wants to get high(er). Maybe the bentest - who I should add, is a TOTAL ASSHOLE really has things figured out.

Get bent that's fine...but for the love of God man, leave me out of it. You crazy bastard.

Vacation Smacation

So...it's that time again. At least I started it off with a bang this time - and not by spending the weekend with the folks...not that it's a bad thing to hang out with the rents, it just seems a little pathetic. Meh. Anyhoo...I went to a house party and then downtown with the boys.

I did learn some things this weekend. I'd like to say they were interesting things....and I guess they kinda were interesting things...but it just proves to me that what Dr. House says is right: "Everybody lies". So, I've recently learned that two people I was previously pissed off with, and took a long time to get over lies and deceit...have continued to both lie and be deceitful. Why would someone go as far as to admit they had hooked up with someone, and yet deny the actual act of sex. So, I'm trying to sort that out.

I think I'm done being vague. I might just expel my whole life story now. People should be aware of the shitty people that exist in the world. A lot of the time, I recognize when I'm a shitty person, and I feel bad about it. Some people are just dirty fuckers, totally unaware of the effect their actions have on others. I'm going to talk about some of them.

So, many moons ago (approx 8 years ago), I meet this seemingly nice man while on a drunken excursion downtown. I actually met him through my best friend - they've known each other for years. The word was, dude was a good guy. We'll call him Ben. So, word was Ben was a good guy. So, we went out for a while. Then we moved in together. Things became tense, awkward and just plain uncomfortable. He wanted to move out. He thought we could still be together and just not live together at that particular point in our lives. I was upset and stated that if he wasn't willing to continue to try to make it work - us living apart wasn't going to make it any better. I told him that if he left, it was over for good....because I felt like I was being abandoned by him. How do you pretend to be happy when you're not? So...for the next four days, we continued to live together - not talking. He was afraid to tell his parents. Anyways, once the four days were up, I told him that I had reconsidered what he had to say, and that we could trying still being together, and just not living together. By the time the four days were up, I was told "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And, that was the end of our relationship....at least in that capacity.

As we had been together for a long time, we ended up merging friend groups...so that we, for the most part, had one group of communal friends. I tried to socialize with different people. I started drinking and going to karaoke with some friends from work....sadly, more often than one should experience karaoke. Anyhoo...we tried to maintain our friendship...which got tangly while drinking, because on more than one occasion, we did the whole "friends with benefits" thing for a while. Again, with the understanding that the relationship was over...and it was just a sex thing.

A few months later, I ended up hooking up with someone else, and went out with him for about three years. We'll call him Don. Anyways, my relationship with Don was a roller-coaster of ups and downs (and just so happens to be the one that's been fucking with me since January of this year, when his relationship ended). When my relationship with Don ended, I was a complete and utter basketcase. I was spending more time with the old friend group, including Ben. I really didn't have any interest in people after Don for about 2 years. I guess I just kind of hoped that he would change his mind and come back to me. Well, that worked out wonderfully for him, and just fucked me up all together again. But that's a side tangent for another day. After Don, I went out with a few people (for short periods of time)...as people just can't seem to keep my interest. I did however become interested in one of my and Ben's friends. Me and the new interest (we'll call him PJ) discussed (in a drunken stuper I should add) my interest in him. He told me that he too was interested, but was not going down that path because of my past with Ben. At this point, I should further explain, that unknown to me at the time, I took Ben's virginity. Ben apparently still has a "thing" for me, as some of the mutual friends have advised me. So, it just wasn't going to happen. That night, when we left downtown, I lost my keys and ended up crashing at PJ's. Nothing sexual happened, although the signals were out there.

Shortly thereafter, I went to a house party with another mutual friend, Gene. I told Gene, as I thought we had this mutual understanding about privacy - especially after stating "this is between me and you", about my conversation with PJ, and that I ended up crashing at PJ's, and that nothing had happened. First thing I've learned from this experience, it's probably not the best idea to tell private stories to people who are drunk. They only remember bits and pieces, but funny enough they remember the part that the story is not supposed to be repeated. Anyways, Gene happened to tell Ben about me being interested in PJ and that I crashed at PJ's house. He neglected to remember the fact that nothing happened. How he could forget that part is beyond me, when half our conversation was about the mixed signals.

So, I have a coffee with Ben. As soon as I get in the car, I can tell there's something wrong. I immediately ask "what's wrong?" and get "nothing" muttered at me in response. This small series of conversation repeats itself for the duration of the coffee run (about thirty-five minutes), until I'm half-way out the car. Then it starts. The annoyingness that had been building exploded upon me. I got accused of sleeping with PJ. Nothing happened. Ben then forbid me to become involved with PJ. FORBIDDEN??? Ahhh, tempt me more, please.

Anyways, it had already been determined that nothing was going to happen between me and PJ, regardless as to what Ben approves of. PJ didn't want shit from Ben and that was that. So, a while later, I start hanging out with a girl from work, we'll call her Sam. Time for a bit of Sam background. Sam has a common-law partner, a couple of kids and a house. She seemed fun, so I started inviting her out with us on the weekend. Well, one night, Sam wanted to go downtown to dance. I was too tired. She was supposed to be meeting up with some guy from her past. She ended up not meeting him at all, and instead hooked up with Ben and a couple of the guys. They proceeded to get shit-faced and apparently Sam and Ben hooked-up (but apparently did not have sex). I only found out by accident. I went to work on Monday and asked Sam how her weekend was and she let it spill. She thought Ben had told me, so, out it all came. I guess I had a look of surprise on my face, and she realized what she had said. I laughed. Sam was aware of my interest in PJ and that I was forbidden to do anything with him. Meanwhile, Ben can screw around with Sam - who was not single. You can screw my friends but I can't screw yours. You can wreck (or at least facilitate the wreckage of) a home. I can watch. I think it's funny that Sam was aware of the whole situation as well.

So, I was frustrated with Ben for the double-standard. That's just shitty. I gave him ample opportunity to be the one to tell me. Actually, I gave him a month. I even told Sam that she had the opportunity to tell Ben that she had spilled the beans. Apparently she did not. Apparently she instead took the opportunity to fuck him several times. Now, I wasn't aware that the fooling around had continued, nor that it had proceeded to sex. Otherwise, I would not have agreed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding to her common-law partner. That's right somewhere in the middle of screwing Ben, she got engaged! Lucky her. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially since the shitshow she pulled last month. A group of us got drunk, at this annual party and we headed to the bars. I was too much of a state and headed home, only to miss Sam screaming "I want to fuck Ben and I don't care who knows!" I should have mentioned that her fiancé was just inside. But, I also learned this weekend that her plan is to call the wedding off and end things. We'll see what happens. I don't think I really care.

So...now to figure out, why Ben lied. I don't think I even care to bring it up to him. I just don't think I care to think about it at all. I just have to stop introducing people to other people. It's just bad news. I introduced Sam and Ben. Ick. I'm totally disgusted.

And Don makes me both sad and frustrated now. I get text messages of a sexually explicit nature for two months. We hang out for a few months - then nothing. Worse than nothing, I'm actually being ignored. And, I just want to know why. If he's found a better option (which is what I'm expecting), I wish he would just say it, and let me move on. I don't want a message from him a year and doing this whole thing over again.

I'm starting to get scared that I'm turning into Teresa - my old roommate. She was my age (now) when I met her. She desperately wanted to get married and have babies, as her internal clock was ticking. Yet, she barely left the house. She went to work and she went home. She smoked and drank coffee. Sadly, that is starting to resemble my life. I'm not feeling the internal clock thing too much yet. But, I would like the idea of expanding my activities. I'd like to meet new people. But, how?

I don't trust people, which makes me more and more hesitant to take the risk on people. Woe is me.

A fool I am, yet again.

So, now it's official....I've been made a fool of, by a boy, yet again. Worse still, I have allowed the same boy to make that fool. I should have known better. I think I did. I tried to prepare myself for it, but who can be prepared for having their feelings hurt by someone? Maybe I'm too soft.

So, as this is a public forum, I'm trying to remain anonymous. No one will probably ever read this crap anyways. If someone is reading this, leave me a message. Please, I need more people to advise me of what a pathetic failure I have become. Stuck in a rut. Maybe it's the pot. Apparently, it's a depressant. But, what does one do when one doesn't smoke? I've forgotten that life completely. Instead I smoke and ponder my mediocrity.

I wouldn't say that my biological clock is ticking, but it has been something I've been thinking of (not necessarily for the immediate future), but I've been thinking all the same. Perhaps it's because the friends are getting married off and having babies and an exponential rate, and I'm still single. Worse than single, I'm single with baggage. Goddamn ex playing games with me. But, I'm not bitter at all :) Really. Convincing aren't I? And further on the concept of having babies, there are very few people that I would be comfortable having a child with. The ones I would are friends - and not necessarily um, what I would consider, an ummmmmm sex-based relationship. Just companionship. And I don't want to be a position where I'm paying anyone else for child support or alimony on the basis that he doesn't feel like working. Maybe this place is just rampant with people who don't have jobs. It can't really be like this everywhere can it? Is laziness an international thing? Is there hope somewhere other than on this shithole of an island? Jesus, I hope so.

Getting back on track....to completing a list of my failures. Knowing me, I'll never finish the damn list. I'm still not finished my degree. We're at 11 years since I started and not finished. Don't get me wrong, I really haven't attended in the last 7 or 8 years....but even back then I can't say I was focused on school. It seems like I know two types of people. Successful job people, and people who work as little as is possible to survive. I'm not really in either group, but I bet you can guess which one I'd like to be in. Instead, I'm seeking permission for readmission and revealing my sordid past to a bunch of strangers...or at least I'm planning on it. But, I've been planning on that for about 6 months now. It's hard to bear your soul to people who may judge you.

Work is work. Plus it's really starting to piss me off. It's just a bad time of year to be working. The general public needs to chill out. I'm looking forward to my vacation. I could use a vacation. I wish I could clear my mind of all the negativity. At least I don't have to go in tomorrow.

I'm tired. I can finish explaining my underachievement another time. Till then, eat me, world!

I cannot snap out of this funk...and worse, the funk is beatless.

So, I am really not liking my job these days. I have come to learn that dealing with the general public may not really be the best idea for me. Of course, I have no other work experience. Oh my. Woe is me. I've spent a lot of my time alone thinking. Perhaps it's the not getting the job thing, or maybe it's the man troubles, I can't be sure. Haha. That's funny. I don't even have a man and I still have man troubles. Leave it to me.

So, I'm spending my free time, hoping to receive a text message, or better still, a visit. And, since I last wrote, there has been no such luck. But, I did have an opportunity for a coffee, and booched due to out-of-town company. I just feel like I'm being played a little. And that is very boo. I am probably overreacting, at least a little bit. I just know the potential mental (emotional) frustration that this whole situation brings upon me, and I said I was aware of that way back in April. But I also know that I wouldn't give up a chance for a weekend of fun with the right person for just anything. It's the post-weekend happenings that are much more difficult (a.k.a. reality). At this point it seems like just initiating contact is hard enough. Because of the complicated history, everything (which is not much) is on the down-low. So, if I attempt contact via text and get no response, there is no alternate home telephone contact permitted. This would result in long and drawn-out conversations on our activities, when we're not even sure what those activities are or what they mean. Based on the limited contact of the last 5 weeks or so, it's like I'm back to where I was a year ago (well, maybe a little longer than that). The truth of the matter is, I wish we could both get our shit together and give it a real try. When things are good, they are amazing. Conversely, when things are bad - they are insanely, earthshatteringly bad.

Right now, not knowing (or seeing or communicating) is just frustrating. I'm wondering that if an unbiased party was to read this blog, if they would be led to believe that I'm some sort of heart-sick puppydog, crazy-ass bitch. I'm not. At least most of the time. I just have strong feelings for a bad, bad boy. And he really isn't even bad. Arg.

Independence Day!

So, it's the day, I am independent. Of course, I was independent yesterday, but I was also more inclined to walk the dangerous line of drunk texting. So, dude from the previous messages is still confusing me. It's probably not warranted, considering it's been about two weeks since I last saw him. I did hear from him once since, but he needed a favour.

I just want to meet someone that intrigues me. And, ideally that person should have some source of income that supports that person's spending. My dilemma, the boy the interests me, is fucking horrible with money, and with jobs. Oh right, the other dilemma, I only hear from that person about once every couple of weeks. Boo. Maybe it's not so boo. I suppose it could be worse. I could be getting the "broken from the earlier part of the weekend boy"....you know the one that shows up, already in a mess, convinces you to join in, and then falls asleep on you. Of course that version of the boy also could result in frustrated version me 2.0 - the me that is awake - and watching snoring boy sleep, still horny and with less smoke than 6 hours previous. Maybe I'm just a whiner. Of course it could just be that I'm complainy today cause I'm too warm, and a lil too full.

Pricks

Pricks! Ugh! And I mean of the needle persuasion. Not that other pricks are more desirable. I'm sitting here "enjoying a little time off." I don't know who came up with that expression, but I can assure you, that they were in no way referencing me, today. Although, I am getting paid for it. I kinda feel like an IV drug user, of course without the high, and less blood than earlier today. Go bloodwork. I will say this, 12 hours to not drink a beverage for a smoker is insane! My throat is raw and it hurts. This is where the non-smokers of the world (and worse, the reformed smokers) unite and chant their infinite wisdom on the ways of not smoking, and of course, tips and tricks for me to improve myself. Bah! Eat me, I say.

So, I'm still kinda thinking about some guy, I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about. I was surprised yesterday, when there was contact - as flimsy a means of contact it was. And of course, I immediately felt happy for my miniscule victory and ashamed of my questioning and untrusting behaviour. Skepticism really. And, I've already shared my one good quote about skepticism in a previous blog. Who invented text-messaging and why have we not eliminated it all together. I guess I really shouldn't blame the text messaging genius, but instead the one who sent me the shitty message yesterday. I mean it was I guess what I had asked previously. But, I feel like a fucking $20 bill. Which makes me sad, and mad - and all out frustrated. But, I suppose I deserve it for being optimistic. I just don't want to sit around for the next week, pining away for someone who views me as a means to "get something". I am something. But, I am not an object, like a wallet, or a hotel. I am not a chaffeur, and I am not a loan officer. I have to remember these things.

Still haven't been productive. Well, I could have been less productive. But, not by much. And on that note...I'm gonna stop typing and do more of that - nothing, cause I can.

I really have to learn to get myself off

So, when I say "I really have to learn to get myself off," what I really mean is that I need to learn to be satisfied with myself, and perhaps by myself.

More often than I would like, recently I have noticed myself being rather assholelike and self-centered. I'm not liking those qualities in myself. I'm finding myself wasting time again, but now it's by means of overanalyzing and waiting. Waiting for what? Who knows. Sometimes I really do wonder. It's a little premature to be thinking this way, which is more alarming still. It's sorta like I put my life on hold, to the convenience of others. Of course, that could just be me being self-centered again. Sometimes it's really hard to distinguish.

I'm trying hard not to repeat mistakes. It's rather difficult. And, I'm trying hard not to let myself get too down (although this week was rather craptastic). Man, oh man, was this week ever craptastic. That's an understatement. Karma kicked my ass again. I don't want to be bitter or jealous of anyone, or anything. This week I had to fake happiness for someone - when I was truly upset. But, again maybe I'm just being jealous, bitter and self-centered.

So, I didn't get the job. So, my friend did. So, I didn't talk to the guy. Meh. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and being frustrated. I'll admit it, I was also sexually aroused, as well. Sadly, I didn't hear from the guy. Or was it? This is one area where the subject line does not apply. Not that you needed to know that, nor wanted to know that. Too bad. If you've read this much - you should expect crap like this from me by now.

Above and beyond the job and man woes (which apparently in this economy, do not appear to be on the rise), there are also the health woes, the financial woes, and damnit the cleaning woes. I am just not a neat-freak. Nor will I ever be. Perhaps I should be. Perhaps I should be a three-headed platypus-robot. I see the robot a more likely turn of events for me. I'm an organized mess, or at least I like to believe. Just not quite organized enough. And yes, I am aware that was not a sentence.

I really hope tomorrow is more relaxing, yet productive - and for the love of all things holy - more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, fooling around with the 'rents and teaching 'em technological things is fun and all....but I gotta have something a little more spicy to do on a Saturday. Of course, it has to be cheap...cause it's a recession and all. May tomorrow be less rantworthy!

Deep Breath

So, I am cynical. Very, very cynical. A wonderful quote I read somewhere says, "A cynic is just a frustrated optimist" - and I am very, very frustrated. And, I refuse to believe that I am a pessimist. If I was a pessimist, how I could I allow my hopes to be crushed time and time again? And then be hurt and surprised by it all? Nah. If I was a true pessimist I wouldn't have hopes because I know they would be beaten into little itty bitty pieces by people. Perhaps this makes pessimists more efficient people. Why waste the time going around in circles and getting nowhere.

I want to scream and clean my house. Well, I don't want to clean my house; but, it does need a good cleaning. And yet here I am. Venting. And feeling a little better. But still a little miffed. I should be smoking by now. That is why I took my break from cleaning. So far dishwasher - check! Washed one frying pan too! Holy crap - I've worked for like 15 minutes and am taking a break. I must be a government worker.

God-damn button-pushers. Not the government workers (okay, maybe a few of 'em), but the people who push our buttons. I don't let very many people push my buttons - but right now, it feels like there are a few keys stuck on my keyboard - FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk. There is only one person who makes me this frustrated and confused and, worse still, used. I also feel kind of dirty and gross, but that could just be my period. Perhaps I should study behavioral psychology and figure it all out.

The cats are up to no good

So, tonight I'm sitting here thinking something a lil different. I'm not thinking about any person...but, I am still pensive. This time I find myself wondering what in the name of the sweet baby Jesus my cats are doing when I'm at work. I know I haven't exactly kept on top of things as of late, but this is a lil ridiculous.

I'm sitting in a room, surrounded by beverage containers - wondering how they have not yet died of caffeine overdoses. Based on the mounds of laundry that appear in various locations around the house - they also play a lot of dress-up. I don't know if this will be an acceptable excuse for being covered in cat hair at work tomorrow, but I'm gonna try. I was recently given some flowers (oooh, ahhh....not so much, but kinda) and the bastards keep munchin' on 'em. There seems to be tiny pieces of cat litter, everywhere. They haven't done the dishes in weeks - but yet, they seem to eat everyday. With one who constantly licks paper products (tissues, paper, receipts, paper towels etc.) and another who dreams only of making the home messier by tearing apart the birdie who seems to live on the patio, into a million pieces across the house - who needs kids. But...kids do have opposable thumbs, and are more likely convinced to clean in exchange for candy. I need to trae a couple of cats, for a couple of kids....for JUST a couple of hours. Hahaha...pump them full of sugar and return them to their rightful owners.

It wasn't just another day (to me)

Again, I'm sitting here. Thinking horrible thoughts. When I say horrible, I mean negative. My goal is to be less negative post-vent. One can hope.

Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.

So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?

But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.

I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*

Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!

Just another evening...

It's funny to think about what other people want for us, in us and with us. These concepts perpetually confuse me. A tendency to overanalyze , and the skill to debate the things I have done and the decisions I have made...I can keep myself occupied forever. Probably not an overly healthy mindset, but it's mine.

It's hard enough for me to determine what I want for myself. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up....assuming I make that far. Of course, I will. I'm destined for many years ahead of self-analysis. I'm trying to vent, in a capacity that makes me appear - non-crazy (a lil crazy really doesn't bother me), non-contemptuous and most importantly, non-identifiable. That of course means there are many a vague comment ahead.

On the evening, of yet another day, of yet another year, I sit hear typing. It's again the wee hours of the morning and I'm confused. I'm trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I'm trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm thinking. And, of course whether those two set of thoughts coincide.

When did things become so complicated? Or are they really simpler now? Is simple good? Isn't a little bit of excitement a good thing? Everything in moderation they say. But I guess that's the thing. Moderation is not necessarily a concept that works for everyone. It's difficult for a person like myself, who has a highly addictive personality. It's a great skill, if used for good instead of evil.

I know I really can't know what someone else is thinking. In some instances, I probably don't want to know. Especially considering all the factors involved. I don't want to negatively affect any potentially affected party (and most importantly, I really hope there are no fallout victims here). Christ, I hope. Otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Okay, I've gone all negative.

There are no fallout victims. That's what I was told. I was never told that before. The topic was evaded all together. I suppose that should have been enough to set off the alarms in my head. But, I was....hrmmmm, there are so many words that could be inserted here - niave, stupid, desperate, sad, pathetic and hopelessly in love. Foolish me.

I'm still sort of foolish. I proved that to myself this past weekend. I really did have fun and I'm suprisingly happy that I did. But, I'm very much concerned of being the fallout victim.

So - as opposed to becoming someone new's fallout victim - I find myself experiencing the same things over and over again, each time hoping for a new ending - a happy ending. Fucking fairytales and sitcoms. Nothing gets worked out in a half hour (17-22 mins when we factor in commercials)....except maybe a handjob. How does that help me. I have a vagina.

Winter Boredom

So, it's January 18, 2009 and it's -20 degrees Celsius, which translates to: "It's fucking freezing!" Of course, this simple statement has its own ripple effect (as does almost everything, I've learned.) I have a tendency to bulk-buy on Friday evening to ensure I don't HAVE TO leave my house for anything for the remainder of the weekend. I've elected to not take the 5 minute walk to the grocery store to buy fresh and healthy food (or even a quick and easy microwave dinner) and opted instead to have a $30 pizza delivered, or worse take-out from the greasy haven just 7 doors down. The idea of going downtown and having to smoke outside in the cold deters me from going downtown whatsoever. Fuck that, I can smoke in my house, wear my pyjamas and pretty much pay cost for my drinks (actually....it's usually cheaper than the bars even pay for their alcohol supplies as there's some sort of weird retarded rule that say if you sell alcohol, you have to pay more for it from the liquor stores. Ahhh, more government logic for ya.)

So, what do I do in winter you ask? Well, I put in my 8 hours. I spend probably another 4 hours streaming media (right now I'm on an ER kick and starting watching all the seasons all over again. Currently at Season 7, Episode 7.) I also chain smoke. I drink copious amounts of caffeinated beverages - which I guess means I also spend a significant amount of time pissing. I often find myself talking to myself...and of course, my cats. I facebook...and most recently have started knitting. The goal at the moment is to knit a blanket. It's just so god-awfully time consuming. I doubt I'll ever finish it. That's kinda my thing though. I start things and seldom finish. I'm so damn lazy. Too lazy to type any more right now.