A fool I am, yet again.

So, now it's official....I've been made a fool of, by a boy, yet again. Worse still, I have allowed the same boy to make that fool. I should have known better. I think I did. I tried to prepare myself for it, but who can be prepared for having their feelings hurt by someone? Maybe I'm too soft.

So, as this is a public forum, I'm trying to remain anonymous. No one will probably ever read this crap anyways. If someone is reading this, leave me a message. Please, I need more people to advise me of what a pathetic failure I have become. Stuck in a rut. Maybe it's the pot. Apparently, it's a depressant. But, what does one do when one doesn't smoke? I've forgotten that life completely. Instead I smoke and ponder my mediocrity.

I wouldn't say that my biological clock is ticking, but it has been something I've been thinking of (not necessarily for the immediate future), but I've been thinking all the same. Perhaps it's because the friends are getting married off and having babies and an exponential rate, and I'm still single. Worse than single, I'm single with baggage. Goddamn ex playing games with me. But, I'm not bitter at all :) Really. Convincing aren't I? And further on the concept of having babies, there are very few people that I would be comfortable having a child with. The ones I would are friends - and not necessarily um, what I would consider, an ummmmmm sex-based relationship. Just companionship. And I don't want to be a position where I'm paying anyone else for child support or alimony on the basis that he doesn't feel like working. Maybe this place is just rampant with people who don't have jobs. It can't really be like this everywhere can it? Is laziness an international thing? Is there hope somewhere other than on this shithole of an island? Jesus, I hope so.

Getting back on track....to completing a list of my failures. Knowing me, I'll never finish the damn list. I'm still not finished my degree. We're at 11 years since I started and not finished. Don't get me wrong, I really haven't attended in the last 7 or 8 years....but even back then I can't say I was focused on school. It seems like I know two types of people. Successful job people, and people who work as little as is possible to survive. I'm not really in either group, but I bet you can guess which one I'd like to be in. Instead, I'm seeking permission for readmission and revealing my sordid past to a bunch of strangers...or at least I'm planning on it. But, I've been planning on that for about 6 months now. It's hard to bear your soul to people who may judge you.

Work is work. Plus it's really starting to piss me off. It's just a bad time of year to be working. The general public needs to chill out. I'm looking forward to my vacation. I could use a vacation. I wish I could clear my mind of all the negativity. At least I don't have to go in tomorrow.

I'm tired. I can finish explaining my underachievement another time. Till then, eat me, world!