Vacation Smacation

So...it's that time again. At least I started it off with a bang this time - and not by spending the weekend with the folks...not that it's a bad thing to hang out with the rents, it just seems a little pathetic. Meh. Anyhoo...I went to a house party and then downtown with the boys.

I did learn some things this weekend. I'd like to say they were interesting things....and I guess they kinda were interesting things...but it just proves to me that what Dr. House says is right: "Everybody lies". So, I've recently learned that two people I was previously pissed off with, and took a long time to get over lies and deceit...have continued to both lie and be deceitful. Why would someone go as far as to admit they had hooked up with someone, and yet deny the actual act of sex. So, I'm trying to sort that out.

I think I'm done being vague. I might just expel my whole life story now. People should be aware of the shitty people that exist in the world. A lot of the time, I recognize when I'm a shitty person, and I feel bad about it. Some people are just dirty fuckers, totally unaware of the effect their actions have on others. I'm going to talk about some of them.

So, many moons ago (approx 8 years ago), I meet this seemingly nice man while on a drunken excursion downtown. I actually met him through my best friend - they've known each other for years. The word was, dude was a good guy. We'll call him Ben. So, word was Ben was a good guy. So, we went out for a while. Then we moved in together. Things became tense, awkward and just plain uncomfortable. He wanted to move out. He thought we could still be together and just not live together at that particular point in our lives. I was upset and stated that if he wasn't willing to continue to try to make it work - us living apart wasn't going to make it any better. I told him that if he left, it was over for good....because I felt like I was being abandoned by him. How do you pretend to be happy when you're not? So...for the next four days, we continued to live together - not talking. He was afraid to tell his parents. Anyways, once the four days were up, I told him that I had reconsidered what he had to say, and that we could trying still being together, and just not living together. By the time the four days were up, I was told "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And, that was the end of our relationship....at least in that capacity.

As we had been together for a long time, we ended up merging friend groups...so that we, for the most part, had one group of communal friends. I tried to socialize with different people. I started drinking and going to karaoke with some friends from work....sadly, more often than one should experience karaoke. Anyhoo...we tried to maintain our friendship...which got tangly while drinking, because on more than one occasion, we did the whole "friends with benefits" thing for a while. Again, with the understanding that the relationship was over...and it was just a sex thing.

A few months later, I ended up hooking up with someone else, and went out with him for about three years. We'll call him Don. Anyways, my relationship with Don was a roller-coaster of ups and downs (and just so happens to be the one that's been fucking with me since January of this year, when his relationship ended). When my relationship with Don ended, I was a complete and utter basketcase. I was spending more time with the old friend group, including Ben. I really didn't have any interest in people after Don for about 2 years. I guess I just kind of hoped that he would change his mind and come back to me. Well, that worked out wonderfully for him, and just fucked me up all together again. But that's a side tangent for another day. After Don, I went out with a few people (for short periods of time)...as people just can't seem to keep my interest. I did however become interested in one of my and Ben's friends. Me and the new interest (we'll call him PJ) discussed (in a drunken stuper I should add) my interest in him. He told me that he too was interested, but was not going down that path because of my past with Ben. At this point, I should further explain, that unknown to me at the time, I took Ben's virginity. Ben apparently still has a "thing" for me, as some of the mutual friends have advised me. So, it just wasn't going to happen. That night, when we left downtown, I lost my keys and ended up crashing at PJ's. Nothing sexual happened, although the signals were out there.

Shortly thereafter, I went to a house party with another mutual friend, Gene. I told Gene, as I thought we had this mutual understanding about privacy - especially after stating "this is between me and you", about my conversation with PJ, and that I ended up crashing at PJ's, and that nothing had happened. First thing I've learned from this experience, it's probably not the best idea to tell private stories to people who are drunk. They only remember bits and pieces, but funny enough they remember the part that the story is not supposed to be repeated. Anyways, Gene happened to tell Ben about me being interested in PJ and that I crashed at PJ's house. He neglected to remember the fact that nothing happened. How he could forget that part is beyond me, when half our conversation was about the mixed signals.

So, I have a coffee with Ben. As soon as I get in the car, I can tell there's something wrong. I immediately ask "what's wrong?" and get "nothing" muttered at me in response. This small series of conversation repeats itself for the duration of the coffee run (about thirty-five minutes), until I'm half-way out the car. Then it starts. The annoyingness that had been building exploded upon me. I got accused of sleeping with PJ. Nothing happened. Ben then forbid me to become involved with PJ. FORBIDDEN??? Ahhh, tempt me more, please.

Anyways, it had already been determined that nothing was going to happen between me and PJ, regardless as to what Ben approves of. PJ didn't want shit from Ben and that was that. So, a while later, I start hanging out with a girl from work, we'll call her Sam. Time for a bit of Sam background. Sam has a common-law partner, a couple of kids and a house. She seemed fun, so I started inviting her out with us on the weekend. Well, one night, Sam wanted to go downtown to dance. I was too tired. She was supposed to be meeting up with some guy from her past. She ended up not meeting him at all, and instead hooked up with Ben and a couple of the guys. They proceeded to get shit-faced and apparently Sam and Ben hooked-up (but apparently did not have sex). I only found out by accident. I went to work on Monday and asked Sam how her weekend was and she let it spill. She thought Ben had told me, so, out it all came. I guess I had a look of surprise on my face, and she realized what she had said. I laughed. Sam was aware of my interest in PJ and that I was forbidden to do anything with him. Meanwhile, Ben can screw around with Sam - who was not single. You can screw my friends but I can't screw yours. You can wreck (or at least facilitate the wreckage of) a home. I can watch. I think it's funny that Sam was aware of the whole situation as well.

So, I was frustrated with Ben for the double-standard. That's just shitty. I gave him ample opportunity to be the one to tell me. Actually, I gave him a month. I even told Sam that she had the opportunity to tell Ben that she had spilled the beans. Apparently she did not. Apparently she instead took the opportunity to fuck him several times. Now, I wasn't aware that the fooling around had continued, nor that it had proceeded to sex. Otherwise, I would not have agreed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding to her common-law partner. That's right somewhere in the middle of screwing Ben, she got engaged! Lucky her. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially since the shitshow she pulled last month. A group of us got drunk, at this annual party and we headed to the bars. I was too much of a state and headed home, only to miss Sam screaming "I want to fuck Ben and I don't care who knows!" I should have mentioned that her fiancé was just inside. But, I also learned this weekend that her plan is to call the wedding off and end things. We'll see what happens. I don't think I really care.

So...now to figure out, why Ben lied. I don't think I even care to bring it up to him. I just don't think I care to think about it at all. I just have to stop introducing people to other people. It's just bad news. I introduced Sam and Ben. Ick. I'm totally disgusted.

And Don makes me both sad and frustrated now. I get text messages of a sexually explicit nature for two months. We hang out for a few months - then nothing. Worse than nothing, I'm actually being ignored. And, I just want to know why. If he's found a better option (which is what I'm expecting), I wish he would just say it, and let me move on. I don't want a message from him a year and doing this whole thing over again.

I'm starting to get scared that I'm turning into Teresa - my old roommate. She was my age (now) when I met her. She desperately wanted to get married and have babies, as her internal clock was ticking. Yet, she barely left the house. She went to work and she went home. She smoked and drank coffee. Sadly, that is starting to resemble my life. I'm not feeling the internal clock thing too much yet. But, I would like the idea of expanding my activities. I'd like to meet new people. But, how?

I don't trust people, which makes me more and more hesitant to take the risk on people. Woe is me.