So, tonight I'm sitting here thinking something a lil different. I'm not thinking about any person...but, I am still pensive. This time I find myself wondering what in the name of the sweet baby Jesus my cats are doing when I'm at work. I know I haven't exactly kept on top of things as of late, but this is a lil ridiculous.
I'm sitting in a room, surrounded by beverage containers - wondering how they have not yet died of caffeine overdoses. Based on the mounds of laundry that appear in various locations around the house - they also play a lot of dress-up. I don't know if this will be an acceptable excuse for being covered in cat hair at work tomorrow, but I'm gonna try. I was recently given some flowers (oooh, ahhh....not so much, but kinda) and the bastards keep munchin' on 'em. There seems to be tiny pieces of cat litter, everywhere. They haven't done the dishes in weeks - but yet, they seem to eat everyday. With one who constantly licks paper products (tissues, paper, receipts, paper towels etc.) and another who dreams only of making the home messier by tearing apart the birdie who seems to live on the patio, into a million pieces across the house - who needs kids. But...kids do have opposable thumbs, and are more likely convinced to clean in exchange for candy. I need to trae a couple of cats, for a couple of kids....for JUST a couple of hours. Hahaha...pump them full of sugar and return them to their rightful owners.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
It wasn't just another day (to me)
Again, I'm sitting here. Thinking horrible thoughts. When I say horrible, I mean negative. My goal is to be less negative post-vent. One can hope.
Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.
So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?
But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.
I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*
Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!
Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.
So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?
But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.
I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*
Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Just another evening...
It's funny to think about what other people want for us, in us and with us. These concepts perpetually confuse me. A tendency to overanalyze , and the skill to debate the things I have done and the decisions I have made...I can keep myself occupied forever. Probably not an overly healthy mindset, but it's mine.
It's hard enough for me to determine what I want for myself. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up....assuming I make that far. Of course, I will. I'm destined for many years ahead of self-analysis. I'm trying to vent, in a capacity that makes me appear - non-crazy (a lil crazy really doesn't bother me), non-contemptuous and most importantly, non-identifiable. That of course means there are many a vague comment ahead.
On the evening, of yet another day, of yet another year, I sit hear typing. It's again the wee hours of the morning and I'm confused. I'm trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I'm trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm thinking. And, of course whether those two set of thoughts coincide.
When did things become so complicated? Or are they really simpler now? Is simple good? Isn't a little bit of excitement a good thing? Everything in moderation they say. But I guess that's the thing. Moderation is not necessarily a concept that works for everyone. It's difficult for a person like myself, who has a highly addictive personality. It's a great skill, if used for good instead of evil.
I know I really can't know what someone else is thinking. In some instances, I probably don't want to know. Especially considering all the factors involved. I don't want to negatively affect any potentially affected party (and most importantly, I really hope there are no fallout victims here). Christ, I hope. Otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Okay, I've gone all negative.
There are no fallout victims. That's what I was told. I was never told that before. The topic was evaded all together. I suppose that should have been enough to set off the alarms in my head. But, I was....hrmmmm, there are so many words that could be inserted here - niave, stupid, desperate, sad, pathetic and hopelessly in love. Foolish me.
I'm still sort of foolish. I proved that to myself this past weekend. I really did have fun and I'm suprisingly happy that I did. But, I'm very much concerned of being the fallout victim.
So - as opposed to becoming someone new's fallout victim - I find myself experiencing the same things over and over again, each time hoping for a new ending - a happy ending. Fucking fairytales and sitcoms. Nothing gets worked out in a half hour (17-22 mins when we factor in commercials)....except maybe a handjob. How does that help me. I have a vagina.
It's hard enough for me to determine what I want for myself. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up....assuming I make that far. Of course, I will. I'm destined for many years ahead of self-analysis. I'm trying to vent, in a capacity that makes me appear - non-crazy (a lil crazy really doesn't bother me), non-contemptuous and most importantly, non-identifiable. That of course means there are many a vague comment ahead.
On the evening, of yet another day, of yet another year, I sit hear typing. It's again the wee hours of the morning and I'm confused. I'm trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. I'm trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm thinking. And, of course whether those two set of thoughts coincide.
When did things become so complicated? Or are they really simpler now? Is simple good? Isn't a little bit of excitement a good thing? Everything in moderation they say. But I guess that's the thing. Moderation is not necessarily a concept that works for everyone. It's difficult for a person like myself, who has a highly addictive personality. It's a great skill, if used for good instead of evil.
I know I really can't know what someone else is thinking. In some instances, I probably don't want to know. Especially considering all the factors involved. I don't want to negatively affect any potentially affected party (and most importantly, I really hope there are no fallout victims here). Christ, I hope. Otherwise the whole thing is a sham. Okay, I've gone all negative.
There are no fallout victims. That's what I was told. I was never told that before. The topic was evaded all together. I suppose that should have been enough to set off the alarms in my head. But, I was....hrmmmm, there are so many words that could be inserted here - niave, stupid, desperate, sad, pathetic and hopelessly in love. Foolish me.
I'm still sort of foolish. I proved that to myself this past weekend. I really did have fun and I'm suprisingly happy that I did. But, I'm very much concerned of being the fallout victim.
So - as opposed to becoming someone new's fallout victim - I find myself experiencing the same things over and over again, each time hoping for a new ending - a happy ending. Fucking fairytales and sitcoms. Nothing gets worked out in a half hour (17-22 mins when we factor in commercials)....except maybe a handjob. How does that help me. I have a vagina.
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