It wasn't just another day (to me)

Again, I'm sitting here. Thinking horrible thoughts. When I say horrible, I mean negative. My goal is to be less negative post-vent. One can hope.

Today was a truly wonderful day (til just recently). An unexpected day in many ways....and the exact opposite in one. I felt loved all day. In the evening that changed. Here's my karma kicking in. I hate to say it, but I really told myself (and others) so.

So...I walked into a situation this past weekend, that I probably should have avoided. I opened myself up for disappointment and albeit a small amount, but pain nonetheless. I am a dweller. I am VERY much aware of this. I rethink certain things over and over again, to the point where I could almost throw up. In rare instances, I have. I have a guilty conscience...and believe it or not, I'm really not that bad of a person. But, that's subjective, I suppose. I'm not as good as some, but perhaps better than others?

But, I can go home from work, and sometimes think for hours about how I interrupted someone and how rude that was. That doesn't happen everyday. But, the fact that I could allow something like that to keep me awake at night, it's a bit frustrating (and sleep-depriving). Imagine what happens when I actually do something to hurt someone, or when I fight with my heart versus my brain. So, a while back, there seemed to be a period of time, where every action I took, caused me to think this way. There was also a time, when every action one specific individual took, also made me lie awake at night for hours. It took a long time for me to recover from such a situation. And, meatball me has gone and done it again.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I exposed myself. I might as well have actually exposed myself to the whole world, I might have analyzed it less. Mind you, I'd probably be drunk now. I kinda wish I was. This time tomorrow, I will be.

I am disappointed. In two people - me, for setting myself to be disappointed, and secondly - some weiner for not sending a phone call or sending a simple text message - today. Sadly, it put a damper on the wonderful day I was having. I'm mad at myself for allowing something like the lack of a phone call/text to have such an impact. Especially, this early. Maybe this isn't really "early", maybe it's "too late", or quite possibly even "the end." Who knows. The possibilities are endless. If only my brain would stop trying to imagine them all. I need to enjoy the now. But I can't seem to do that. I sorta was....damn weekend! And, just two days ago, I was "oohing" and "ahhhing".....*grumble grumble*

Okay....I got it out...in a sorta vague way (yet slightly less vague than desired.) I kinda feel better. But, I also feel kinda tired and hungry, and am unsure which to address first. SLARG!